I just got back from Mexico, and a lot of my friends have gone to and been getting back from various other places around the globe. I've always thought, and think now more than ever that short term missions are used as a gut check to us.

They open our eyes to a world our heart has gone cold to. Images from all different types of media bring images to our eyes of extreme poverty and our heart has become calloused. After all, they are just pictures, we know nothing of the people in them. Whenever I meet someone who is able to feel these people's pain, from halfway across the world I have to wonder what's wrong with my heart. It has trouble feeling broken for the broken.

I think that short term mission trips gets our hearts back to being able to do that. We meet the people in these circumstances and come away amazed. We realize that we very often get consumed with a life of acquiring things that don't give happiness. When we are on these trips we see people who are happier than most we know here in the states, with less than everyone we know. The kids have a few outfits, no toys, no clean water, but they have joy and love and are happier than most here in America.

But eventually hard life wears down on their hearts. Tragedy can strike and steal away everything they have worked for. Yet they find their joy in Jesus and keep on. It's amazing. How many of us find our joy in Him? Like truly, would be happy if the worst happened? The past few days a flood in South Asia displaced 20 million people. How would we react to that? Terribly. And we have put our hope in Jesus, he'll carry us on. But what about the people there who don't know Him? Where does their hope come from? Can they have any after such a disaster? Our hearts should break for what breaks His.

We need people to spread the love of Christ past our cubicles, suburbs, giant SUVs, and high paying salaries. Those things pass away. He is eternal, and doing His work is better than anything we can accomplish on our own. So lets reevaluate our lives and our culture and heal the broken. Whether that is here in America or abroad, that's between  you and God.

So close yet so far. I got all the grades I thought I needed to keep my scholarships. Two A's, a B+, and two B's.... one grade is still not posted. I'm confident that the best I could have done in that class is a B. So if an a day or two you see a post that I got a B+ and kept my scholarships it is absolutely nothing I have done. God would have pulled off the miracle and saved my butt for the millionth time.

Orphans. God has lately been laying on my heart caring for the uncared for. I don't exactly know how to go about doing this at all. Should I change my major for the millionth time (3rd really) to Psychology or something (I'd actually graduate a semester early if I did)? So if anyone out there reads this pray for wisdom and the guidance of the Spirit for me.

So in my brain I know what should be happening. My heart is not as easy to tame. It seems in my mind I'm always like God's plan is better than mine, so lets go with that. Soooooo easy to do with my brain. My heart is like, "No, sorry. You can't actually do that. My plan is really better." And it sucks. It is so hard for me to trust God with big things in life. Things like getting married. I want so bad to be married, that if it isn't in God's plan its almost a deal breaker. Like that is how into my plan I am. I don't even want to contemplate that I could glorify God better, and do His will more efficiently on my own. That would be horrible in my mind. I mean I get lonely now in rooms full of people, how much more so could it be when I'm teaching in an inner city school getting nothing from kids I'm pouring my soul into, in a city no where near where I grew up or family. I feel like I'm going to have to have that support, that intimate community. But I mean, God's plan is better than mine. I have to keep telling myself that.

It's hard to do. Some stuff has happened lately where I seeked God's will on something, went for it, got nothing, and was like, "What the crap Jesus?" How can this not be your will? In vague terms I like a girl who is ridiculously encouraging and challenging and pushes me to Jesus, so in my mind how can that not be God's will. Well, it isn't. That's how. So now I'm just stuck. I got nothing. No plan, nothing. I mean I've never liked a girl who actually pushed me toward Jesus. I pretty much like the cute ones no matter what else. Shoot I have only a handful of friends if that who actually call me out on my junk and encourage me regulary (most of which are on leadership at Midtown, so I don't even know if that counts). My optimism tells me maybe later. My mind tells me to move on. I don't know what to do. So there it is. As Dustin says, the mask is off. Take that world.

Sometimes I think my heart can get louder than Jesus's voice. I should work on discernment. I just wish Jesus would scream. Audibly. It'd be easier.

I love my things. Jesus told me that's bad. Let the materalism struggle begin. My money is on Jesus winning...

Passion pretty muched me up pretty good. And it wasn't anything that was spoken at Passion that did it. It was just my pondering at Passion and praying in the place they had set up for praying. It's like in everything I do I see sin. I mean Jeremy, Adam and I talked about what it is like to be responsibly rich, and I'm not even responsibly a poor college kid. It's such a waste of money to eat out, or buy alot of DVDs, CDs and books like I do. I need to be a better steward of my money. And that isn't even the sin. I heard that if you break down every sin to the root, it always ends up at idolatry. Am I finding my satisfaction in things instead of Jesus? I'd like to say no, but the fruit points to yes. Got to work on that.

Pride was something I had started giving alot of thought to prior to Passion as well. Beth Moore nailed that point home, with the fun ironic quote of "If ANYONE knows about humbleness its me," but still pride and wanting to bring myself glory goes like hand and hand. Is that why I make jokes? To bring myself glory or to bring others joy? Both? I don't know alot of the times. Needless to say I'm going to be working on that alot as well.

School has been like a joke to me this past year and a half. Don't go to class? You bet I don't. I miss way to many classes, don't do homework, don't study for tests. Again I was thinking that I needed to fix this.

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:17

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
Colossians 3:22-24

Then Louie Giglio gets on stage and talks about when he almost bombed out of college and I was like, "Really God? 24,000 people and You decide to talk directly to me? Well, message received." So this semester I'm going hardcore and with purpose.

Well, I'll try and fail. I really need Jesus's help. A long time ago I thought well, I don't cuss, smoke, or drink, I guess I got this Christianity thing down. It's becoming clearer that Sanctification doesn't come in this life. But I'm still going to try to become holy, for that is what I am called to do.