So in my brain I know what should be happening. My heart is not as easy to tame. It seems in my mind I'm always like God's plan is better than mine, so lets go with that. Soooooo easy to do with my brain. My heart is like, "No, sorry. You can't actually do that. My plan is really better." And it sucks. It is so hard for me to trust God with big things in life. Things like getting married. I want so bad to be married, that if it isn't in God's plan its almost a deal breaker. Like that is how into my plan I am. I don't even want to contemplate that I could glorify God better, and do His will more efficiently on my own. That would be horrible in my mind. I mean I get lonely now in rooms full of people, how much more so could it be when I'm teaching in an inner city school getting nothing from kids I'm pouring my soul into, in a city no where near where I grew up or family. I feel like I'm going to have to have that support, that intimate community. But I mean, God's plan is better than mine. I have to keep telling myself that.

It's hard to do. Some stuff has happened lately where I seeked God's will on something, went for it, got nothing, and was like, "What the crap Jesus?" How can this not be your will? In vague terms I like a girl who is ridiculously encouraging and challenging and pushes me to Jesus, so in my mind how can that not be God's will. Well, it isn't. That's how. So now I'm just stuck. I got nothing. No plan, nothing. I mean I've never liked a girl who actually pushed me toward Jesus. I pretty much like the cute ones no matter what else. Shoot I have only a handful of friends if that who actually call me out on my junk and encourage me regulary (most of which are on leadership at Midtown, so I don't even know if that counts). My optimism tells me maybe later. My mind tells me to move on. I don't know what to do. So there it is. As Dustin says, the mask is off. Take that world.

Sometimes I think my heart can get louder than Jesus's voice. I should work on discernment. I just wish Jesus would scream. Audibly. It'd be easier.

I love my things. Jesus told me that's bad. Let the materalism struggle begin. My money is on Jesus winning...

Passion pretty muched me up pretty good. And it wasn't anything that was spoken at Passion that did it. It was just my pondering at Passion and praying in the place they had set up for praying. It's like in everything I do I see sin. I mean Jeremy, Adam and I talked about what it is like to be responsibly rich, and I'm not even responsibly a poor college kid. It's such a waste of money to eat out, or buy alot of DVDs, CDs and books like I do. I need to be a better steward of my money. And that isn't even the sin. I heard that if you break down every sin to the root, it always ends up at idolatry. Am I finding my satisfaction in things instead of Jesus? I'd like to say no, but the fruit points to yes. Got to work on that.

Pride was something I had started giving alot of thought to prior to Passion as well. Beth Moore nailed that point home, with the fun ironic quote of "If ANYONE knows about humbleness its me," but still pride and wanting to bring myself glory goes like hand and hand. Is that why I make jokes? To bring myself glory or to bring others joy? Both? I don't know alot of the times. Needless to say I'm going to be working on that alot as well.

School has been like a joke to me this past year and a half. Don't go to class? You bet I don't. I miss way to many classes, don't do homework, don't study for tests. Again I was thinking that I needed to fix this.

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:17

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
Colossians 3:22-24

Then Louie Giglio gets on stage and talks about when he almost bombed out of college and I was like, "Really God? 24,000 people and You decide to talk directly to me? Well, message received." So this semester I'm going hardcore and with purpose.

Well, I'll try and fail. I really need Jesus's help. A long time ago I thought well, I don't cuss, smoke, or drink, I guess I got this Christianity thing down. It's becoming clearer that Sanctification doesn't come in this life. But I'm still going to try to become holy, for that is what I am called to do.

Passion '07 was pretty good. They had alot of stuff about what's going on in the world and alot of campaigns for things like Bible translating, wells, education centers, and putting kids into college, and I support all of that stuff, wholeheartedly. I just wish at some point during it all they drove the point home that there is a need for the love of Christ in all of our cities. That we don't have to build a well in Africa to help people (though I am all for this), but our cities have homeless people. And to alot of folks, they aren't people. They are part of the scenery of their city. Something to be ignored like the trees planted in the side walks. But they are the ones that Christ came for. Jesus hung out with the people we ignore. The time is now folks... bring His Kingdom to the earth, and start in your hometowns.

why? it hit me tonight, that i really dont deserve anything i have in life and that its not fair that i am so blessed. every time i think of africa or south asia or basically anywhere outside of the united states and europe my heart just breaks. i thank God that i was lucky enough to be born here, but i wish that all those kids in other countries didnt have to miss out on things that i take for granted. like clean water. our power bill was really high one month so jeremy turned off the water heater for a month so we had cold showers. and i complained the whole month. i mean i really like my hot showers right? but i mean i should be thankful i have a shower, that i have a job, that i dont have to worry about starving or where i am going to sleep at night, or even if ill wake up in the morning, much less wish i wouldnt. it just tears me apart. i think i am going to try to help out anyway i can. i looked at blood:water mission a while back and i think i am goin to try to get that started at midtown. get the promo video and send it around to the life groups. get this stat. 1 dollar is clean water for 1 african FOR A YEAR. i throw my pennies away. im retarded and ungrateful. the end. like ive always wanted to adopt a boy from africa and invisible children solidified that. but i want to do more than that. i want to make as much as a difference as i can. no more being wasteful. im goin to start giving my money to people who help and im goin to try to get others to help out as well. maybe if the Lord wills it ill go to africa and help and fall in love with a kid and bring him home forever and raise him to love the Lord. i can only pray. so here it is guys. my call to you. dont be wasteful, dont be ungrateful. help the world out. we are the american church. we spend tens of millions of dollars on a building. can we be more self centered? its no wonder the so called "third world countries" are sending missionaries here. we are the great christian nation. every american is a christian or so it seems. but we are probably one of the most morally messed up countries ever. in the history of the world. i mean we are screwed up. i thank God for people like bailey, klash, jay and garret who want to impact the american church and save it from itself. i am blessed to be a part of midtown. a church that actually looks away from itself and to the community. so here is my charge. look outside of yourself. realize the world is messed up and unbalanced and its because of sin. spread the love of Christ, not because its the christian thing to do, but because it is life and everyone needs it. screw your comfort zone. so here's to africa. a place i want to love, a place i want to help, a place that needs the church. so lets step up.

Summer Update.

So here is the rundown for the summer. I started working at Bad Ass Coffee in Five Points, now I am hardly working at Bad Ass Coffee. Summer school has been ok. ARTS 102 has been fun. ASTR 111 is awful. The time constraints have killed me and I won't be able to do well enough in it to keep my University Scholarship and Life Scholarship. Yep. It sucks alot. Anyways I've been getting more and more involved with Midtown and that's been going well. In the fall I will be leading a freshman guys' life group. I am really looking forward to it. I just hope the Lord prepares my heart and works in me hardcore to be sure that I don't blow at it. Again I am conflicted between Graphic Design and Journalism. I want to do both, but do I want to double major? that is the main question now (sorry i gave up on capitalization, its easier this way). living with jeremy and bailey has been great and i love those guys. chewie is also pretty much living with us and thats been fun. Sensai got back from lebanon this week and we'll be seeing him for the first time in 50 days tomorrow. im excited. thats pretty much brings you up to date.

ive come to the conclusion that humans really are social creatures. and that being lonely is a horrible state to be in. i know and i am glad that Christ completes me and never leaves me. i just wish it always felt that way. i cant lie, i am also waiting for the day when i meet my wife, it will just be a while. but if it wasnt for lonliness would we even know we were broken creatures and were missing something? i think that in feelin alone we realize that we need something more, something to fill us up. and this is where alot of people get it wrong, they start looking for completeness in things of this world; alcohol, drugs, sex, but they wont find it. none of those things fill you up. they empty you. oh the glory in Christ, being willing and able to fix our broken hearts. i would truly be messed up with out Him.

OK, so I haven't posted in forever. Sorry guys. Here are the updates. St. Louis summer project is a go, it just costs a butt load of cash, school is still fun except for classes, jeff, jeremy, hardcore and i are living together on greene street as late as april 20, mutemath is an amazing band and even better live, apathy has set in with school work and honestly even with reading the Word a bit, but i am working on that, been hangin out w/ jeremy, erica and stinch quite a bit, do NOT see weatherman, way crude and not too entertaining, now doing the media for CRU, yep those are the updates, now i can just post regular again....

So, yesterday I found out no Alaska summer project, and it's not because I got accepted somewhere else, it's because I e-mailed them and asked when I was going to find out. So next up is Yellowstone, and if I missed the 2nd deadline like I think I did, Yellowstone will be full up, same with St. Lous, so that leaves Lake Tahoe and Ozark Lakes. If I get any besides Yellowstone I think that I'd really have to sit and think and pray about what to do with my summer. Maybe I'll just stay in Columbia for a while and take summer classes. Maybe I'll go to Niger or Detroit. Maybe I'll get a job. I don't know. Though now my summer looks like it can only be a failure :(. So I had discipleship with Chris today and that went pretty good. We talked about alot of things including sarcasm, cussing, and me needing to watch my money, which I really do. Debating about conforming to the rest of my Bible study and memorizing the Sermon on the Mount in NIV (I'm pretty unreasonably against the NIV), and I don't really want to do this because after this semester Chris will be gone and the Bible study will be broken for the summer, but I still want to memorize for the summer and I'd do it in the ESV, so I think I'm just going to keep on keeping on with that. Oh, I got Creative Suite 2 yesterday, and proceeded to play on Photoshop for the entire afternoon, and I still suck at it. Good thing for ARTS 102 next semester. I am really looking forward to next semester and actually taking some Art Studio classes, photography, and more general education (I've come to hate general education classes). But yea, I need to get Chris to get on my about procrastination too because I am procrastinating right now. I have a 4-6 page paper due at 5 today and I've wrote a paragraph and a half of it (though I do have an option to do a different paper later). Procrastination and me go hand in hand and thats bad so I need to work on that. So, I think I am going to go read something....maybe Total Truth, I haven't read that in a while, or maybe some Tozer or some other theological giant (most people are theological giants compared to me at least). Mm Mm procrastination. Peace.

**POSTED WITH AN UNLICENSED COPY OF VIJOURNAL
So I have known this for a long time. I am sarcastic, and sarcastic in a bad way. Come to think of it is there even a good way to be sarcastic? Probably not. I just know that I definitely need to "keep my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking deceit" (Psalm 34:13). To all I have ever been sarcastic to, and maybe not offended or hurt, it doesn't even matter, I am sorry. So if any of you hear me being sarcastic, which I have no doubt you will because I am always sarcastic, call me out on it and help me eliminate sarcasm from my life because it has no place in that which is holy. Muchas Gracias.

**POSTED WITH AN UNLICENSED COPY OF VIJOURNAL
2006
Wednesday, February 22

So today, as usual I skipped ENGL 283. I skip it every Monday and Wednesday, and go to the discussion group on Thursday, because thats the only one that matters. I am sick also which blows. So after I woke up I started to work on memorizing Matthew 5:3-12, only to find out tonight at Bible study that I was supposed to memorize Matthew 5:1-12, but I hadn't had it 100% correct anyways so no biggie. But I did that for a while before talking online some and grabbing lunch. Chicken Finger Wednesday. So after lunch I jetted to HIST 111, which I only go to because of attendence and never pay attention to (This is where I think Mr. Reed my AP US teacher, even though I got a 2 on the exam, that was my laziness not his lack of teaching skills). After HIST 111 I went to work for what I intended to be 3 hours. Nope. Too boring. Only got through one before I bounced. After work I napped. 2 and a half hours. Mm Mm. Woke up from the nape at 6:30, and I continued working on memorizing the Beatitudes, and watched some Duke - Georgia Tech basketball, then went down to grab dinner and head to Bible study. Bible study is getting better and better each week, and I am completely saddened by the fact that Mr. Christopher Allen Martin is a senior and will be graduating in May, because I would love to have him stay our Bible study leader and now discipler for more than just this school year. But yea, in Bible study we went over Galatians 2:11-21 and talked about rebuking people (believers, non-believers, and elders) and created a systematic guide on rebuking based on the Bible. So here it is: It is God's place to rebuke those outside of the church (1 Cor 5:12-13). The rebuking of elders is to be done in private with 2 or 3 other men and its supposed to be more of exhorting them than harshly rebuking them (1 Tim 5:1; 1 Tim 5:19). Believers have the right to rebuke any in the church, though it is best to use discretion in chosing who to rebuke. And there are two ways to rebuke believers: 1. Publically if they have stained the gospel or continue in sin (1 Tim 5:20). 2. Privately if they have sinned against you personally (Matt 1:15-17). After talking about rebukation (yep, that's a coined word of mine) we talked about the differences of justification and sanctification and how justification is God wiping our slate clean and justification is the act of becoming holy. After this we decided to memorize 10 verses a week so we can have the Sermon on the Mount memorized by the time school lets out. Hopefully, that will happen, though I am never as diligent as I should be. Our Bible study is now meeting Monday mornings for breakfast for discipleship and are going over spiritual disciplines from a book by Donald Whitney (who I guessed wrote the book, because I heard him talk at Providence Baptist Church in Greenville, SC a ways back). Next week though scares me. Because we are going to be confessing every sin we can ever remember commiting to Chris, and just thinking about that reminds me of what a horrible person I am and that I am glad that I don't have to be a good person to be saved because I am a wretched, wretched man. But no matter how nervous I am about it, I trust Chris not to judge me and feel that this will be an amazing experience. Well, thats pretty much the run down of whats happening.....Peace out.