So in my brain I know what should be happening. My heart is not as easy to tame. It seems in my mind I'm always like God's plan is better than mine, so lets go with that. Soooooo easy to do with my brain. My heart is like, "No, sorry. You can't actually do that. My plan is really better." And it sucks. It is so hard for me to trust God with big things in life. Things like getting married. I want so bad to be married, that if it isn't in God's plan its almost a deal breaker. Like that is how into my plan I am. I don't even want to contemplate that I could glorify God better, and do His will more efficiently on my own. That would be horrible in my mind. I mean I get lonely now in rooms full of people, how much more so could it be when I'm teaching in an inner city school getting nothing from kids I'm pouring my soul into, in a city no where near where I grew up or family. I feel like I'm going to have to have that support, that intimate community. But I mean, God's plan is better than mine. I have to keep telling myself that.

It's hard to do. Some stuff has happened lately where I seeked God's will on something, went for it, got nothing, and was like, "What the crap Jesus?" How can this not be your will? In vague terms I like a girl who is ridiculously encouraging and challenging and pushes me to Jesus, so in my mind how can that not be God's will. Well, it isn't. That's how. So now I'm just stuck. I got nothing. No plan, nothing. I mean I've never liked a girl who actually pushed me toward Jesus. I pretty much like the cute ones no matter what else. Shoot I have only a handful of friends if that who actually call me out on my junk and encourage me regulary (most of which are on leadership at Midtown, so I don't even know if that counts). My optimism tells me maybe later. My mind tells me to move on. I don't know what to do. So there it is. As Dustin says, the mask is off. Take that world.